Dear Winter, We’re Over

Dear Winter,

I know at some point when I was in England, I missed you and that good ol’ Maryland snow that you’re famous for. And when it snowed the first weekend I was home in December and, I was sleeping off jet lag and had no place to go – I was into you then. But, now you’re really starting to test my patience.

snowrulerinsnow

Don’t you realize that I am trying to be a grown-up and go to my job and stuff? I can’t drive to work when you’re busy smashing me with half a foot of snow. It’s not cool, Winter. You know that paper that I get for going to work? It pays for the gas in my car.

Speaking of which, my car says to tell you, “Ditto, jerk face.” You can’t just expect a car with rear-wheel drive to make it through this “Polar Vortex” crap you keep throwing at us. And what’s with the 1 degree temperatures in the mornings? A. It’s friggen cold and, B. My car doesn’t want to go faster than 10 mph when the engine is frozen solid.

Honestly, I really think it’s time that you left now.

snowswingwawacoffeesnowtree

I know we’ve had our good times. Remember that one year when I was in high school and, you got me two and a half weeks of school being canceled after three blizzards? That was fun, really. But, I don’t got no school bus to chauffeur me around anymore, buddy.

Look, I really appreciate the whole being cold enough to really enjoy coffee thing. You’ve given me a new respect for hot beverages. But, here’s the thing. I’m bored of running on the treadmill. And, no one appreciates your random mood swings when you decide it’s going to 50 degrees one day and -10 the next.

It’s lame.

I’m just saying, I think it’s time we went our separate ways. It’s February now, and everyone is getting just a little bit sick of you. Turtlenecks are getting old, and I would really like to get a Frappuccino without having to worry about turning into an ice cube.

I hope we can still be friends Please don’t call me,

Sam

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